Did they really just say that???

Happy New Year!  It’s been so very long since I wrote a blog.  This past year has been insane, but great!  I fell in love!  Crazy right!!!  I can’t believe I’m even sharing this with people (well I guess those that actually read it).  School brought out so many emotions.  I don’t think I have ever been that emotional, especially with strangers.  I’m a pretty tough shell, but last semester brought the waterworks.  I learned so much about my lack of vulnerability.  It’s quite interesting, but very spot on with my personality.  I don’t really like to share the deepest parts of me, but I will gladly listen to anyone else’s issues, thoughts, fears, happiness, success, or whatever.  I guess I have to learn how to deal with that for my professional career.  We’ll see!

I don’t have a thought out/planned topic for this blog, just a lot of thoughts, but will only share one for this blog.  This year I have been really irritated with people about my past eating disorder.  It’s not really that far in the past.  I was struggling with the disorder last semester…well it’s a constant battle.  I’m not entirely sure that all of the people in my life truly understand the struggle.  It’s a pretty sensitive subject for me, but I joke about it as a cover up of how much I really hate dealing with it on a daily.  Humor is my way of coping with issues in order to mask my true feelings.  Yet, I get really irritated when people mention it constantly to me.  I hear about my weight so much from strangers that when I finally come home or am with loved ones, I don’t want to hear about it!  People can be really cruel.  I went into a bakery one day and was trying to get my mom a cake or some cupcakes, but I was debating on how many.  The lady next to me said I needed to buy as much as I could in order to gain some weight because I could use a few pounds.  I smiled and brushed it off.  She was an older lady and I always make excuses for people saying to myself that they don’t mean anything by it.  It gets to me.  Another was when I was at my favorite fast food burger and shake place, BRAUMS, and was told that I needed to be in there more than he/she.  Complete stranger!  On a more regular basis, people make jokes if I eat too much or talk about me like I have relapsed if I don’t eat enough.  There’s no winning!  I play along with the comments as a defense mechanism, but it is overwhelming, annoying, and hurtful.  I know that I had a problem and struggle with it daily, but in the end I’m a champion and will not let it defeat me again.  I have my three supporters that know how to help me if I call and say that I’m thinking about it way too much and need motivation to keep me on track.  I’m quite proud of myself for that. 

This is a pretty short blog with my rambled thoughts.  I am sure there are people struggling right now.  My prayers go out to those of you dealing with the same issue or something different, but still enduring the hurt.  People can be cruel and not mean it at all.  Don’t let it defeat you or stifle your happiness.  I’m still learning to do that.  I have to remember who I am.  I am the happy daughter of an amazing father, GOD, and any pain inflicted, intentional or not, He washes away.  He recently washed it away on Sunday with placing specific people in my path to let me know that I am His beautiful, precious gift.  Therefore, let me be a light to someone else and remind you that you are His beautiful, precious gift, despite what others say about you.  Until next time…

Live for Christ, Learn Always & Love Hard

Insecurity

Life is truly a rollercoaster.  One day you can be extremely happy and in the best place that you have ever been.  Then literally the next day, the devil comes to destroy all of the happiness.  I’ve wanted to write this blog for about a month now.  I just didn’t know exactly what to say.  I’ve pondered daily, but I’m going to be authentic like I have been for my other blogs. 

A few months ago I began talking to someone.  Initially, the conversations were cool.  He was a really nice gentleman (Yes ladies they still exist, so there’s hope).  We met each other and hung out for a while.  We had a great time!  There were really no issues, except I woke up one day with the worst feeling.  I completely changed.  My mindset was different.  The wonderful conversations were now brief and distant.  Literally, I put the biggest wall up and pushed him far enough away that it was noticeable to my friends and family.  When I talked to my two close friends, I could not explain the feeling.  I ran (figuratively). 

I have mentioned before that one of the worse things the devil can take from you is your mind.  Your mind is such a powerful tool!  In those moments, my mind was consumed with such deep insecurity.  I couldn’t figure out where it came from.  I didn’t know how to get out of it.  I was drowning in my own fears.  I’ve been reading the book of Acts.  In chapter 27, Paul was on a ship headed to Rome as a prisoner.  God sent an angel to Paul to tell him a storm was coming, but everyone would survive except the ship would go down.  The storm came and the other men were overcome with so much fear.  Paul told the other men what the angel told him.  The storm continued for about 2 weeks.  Just like me, the men were ready to abandon ship.  They were running!  Basically, Paul told them to take courage.  This story in the Bible hit home immediately.  After I ran, God sent someone to tell me “There are no cowards in the Kingdom of Heaven.  The righteous are as bold as lions!”  I needed that text message at that very moment.  It was the greatest feeling of knowing that God is constantly with me.  I had prayed for clarity for a solution to my problem.  That same day out of nowhere my mom said, “Queta STOP IT! Don’t let your past dictate your future.  Trust God!  You have no need to be insecure.”  God you’ve done it again!  Two times in one day!!!

Here’s my truth:  I ran because eventually it would fizzle out.  Every relationship I have truly wanted, they never wanted me in return.  The people that showed me love in my life, I did not value their love as much at the time.  As I matured, I learned that I had all of the love that I needed all along.  I’m human; therefore, my insecurity will probably pop up again in life because the devil is just so busy nowadays.  But I will always remember that I have one Father that loves me more than I could ever love myself.  He reminds me of that daily.  I have people that surround me that truly love me and I am reminded of that daily.   

I know there are other people in this world that have been disappointed by a loved one.  Disappointed meaning deeply hurt.  I always minimized my feeling by saying “disappointed”, and I continually hear others using the same terminology.  The real feeling is hurt.  Hurt because you wonder what is wrong with you.  Hurt because you don’t know if you are good enough.  Hurt because… (you fill in the blank)

It too me such a long time to know that I am worth so much more than I give myself credit.  I want people to know that they are beautiful/handsome, worthy, and loved.  Work hard to learn that!!!  I love you! God loves you! You need to love you!  Thanks for reading!

As always Live for Christ, Learn Always, & Love Hard!

What is Perfect?

“Have the courage to be imperfect.”

This simple sentence was the most impactful information learned this past semester.  Of course, I learned much more.  However, this is an area of my life that I struggle.  I’m a self-proclaimed perfectionist…well…now imperfectionist in training.  My first semester in grad school caused me to dig deeper into why I am struggling with this obsession with perfection.

A few years ago I was going to counseling.  There I learned more about my perfectionist personality.  My counselor wanted me to make something that represented me.  When I finally finished the project, I made a box filled with ripped pieces of paper, a stabbed heart with bandages, a deck of cards, little books with one word titles such as “obedience”, and punched holes throughout the box with bandages on some parts.  I wrapped the box perfectly like a Christmas present.  One side was not wrapped; it had saran wrap so that you can see inside the box, but there was a shield on the outside of the saran wrap.  It was kind of hard to see everything inside the box.  I presented my project to the counselor.  My counselor wrote on a piece of paper and then asked me to describe every piece of the box.  I began to explain the ripped paper was the confusion and junk inside; the heart was hurt; the deck of cards is my fun and goofy spirit; the books were about my studies and obedience; the wrapping paper was me showing the world a façade of my perfection when actually I was broken; hence, the holes in the box.  After explaining, she paused for what seemed like hours.  She described my box as a beautiful snow globe.  The ripped paper was snow to show purity and cleanliness from my past.  The heart was good and strong to endure the wounds that tried to break it.  The Christian books about obedience were a reminder of my faith and my commitment to being obedient to the Word. She told me that she could not see the punched holes in the box because the wrapping paper was so beautifully made, just like me.  The saran wrap expressed a way to share my inner beauty with the outside world.  All of this was interesting; however, the deck of cards was the most noteworthy.  I taped a royal flush (ace, king, queen, jack, and ten of the same suit) together and put it in the box.  She said that life throws you a deck of cards, but it is you who chooses the outcome.  It was not by chance that I chose the highest rank in the deck.  Deep down, I want what is best for my life, but I have to choose to take a successful path.  I learned that perception is so influential on the mind.  I only saw negativity with my box, while my counselor saw greatness. 

This project made me think about my perfection and why I felt that I “had” to be this way.  I discovered that it is a defense mechanism.  I began practicing this defense mechanism at a very young age.  If I were perfect, then there would be no reason for people to leave me or not want me.  I made great grades.  I was an angel as a child.  I was top 10% of every school I attended.  I wanted to be a doctor.  My appearance needed to be perfect.  I literally destroyed my health to have a “perfect” body.  I did what I thought everyone expected of me.  That isn’t courageous.  It’s actually very cowardly and filled with fear.  Fear that I won’t be accepted, liked, loved, respected, etc.  In reality, perfection is a façade.  It’s fake!  Most people learn from the ebbs and flows of life in order to mature and grow.  In church a few weeks ago, my pastor was speaking on courage.  His definition of courage is “doing the right thing even when it’s hard”.  Additionally, he clarified that courage is consistently being yourself all the time.  Perfectionism takes way too much work and is completely impossible.  This past semester I expected all A’s; however, when you ask God to help you in an area of your life, believe that He will help you.  At the beginning of the semester if I didn’t have all A’s I could have died (obviously that’s an exaggeration).  Guess what???  I was not perfect.  I’m still alive, but more relieved.  I don’t have to pressure myself to strive for something that may not be possible for me.  I can consistently be myself all the time.  I’m happy with that decision. 

Lesson this semester:  “Have the courage to be imperfect.” It's okay not to be perfect.  What is perfect?  That's a serious question.  It is different for everyone.  For me, it is a defense mechanism.  Now I have the courage to be myself (imperfect) at all times.  It's truly worth it.  I’m sure this lesson will be helpful to my future, personally and professionally.

Blessed

Hello world!  It’s been far too long! In the 2 months since I have written, God has been working on me!  It is so magnificent!  I have grown in my thought process and spirituality.  I am going to school again, and I have changed jobs.  This transition has been a true rollercoaster.  Let’s start with the job change.

In August, I resigned from my job working with Special Education students.  Working with the students was amazing.  Never a dull moment.  It was a bunch of craziness, but the students were such a blessing to work with.  Patience was a lesson they tried to help teach me.  I believe it’s worked, but I’ll write about that later.  Unfortunately, working in the education system is not for me.  I was truly in a negative place.  I dreaded going to work in the mornings.  I was ready to leave work immediately.  The students were definitely not the problem with my spirits, but I was not motivated anymore.  Therefore, I resigned. 

Fortunately, I had another job lined up.  In my mind, I thought that I would start working immediately, following trainings and certification.  That definitely didn’t happen.  At the same time I started my new job, I had my first day of school.  Everybody knows when you’re in college, they want their money!  I called a friend literally stress out because I had no idea how I was going to pay tuition.  Those that don’t know me, I worried about everything.  There is no faith in God if worrying consumes you.  I did not have the money for tuition.  I prayed and began thinking about a way that I could pay for tuition.  What about her job, you ask?  Well, my job is based on how many hours I bill.  I had no hours billed.  I was starting from the bottom.  I’m a hard worker so that wasn’t the issue.  The issue was pay for tuition and all of my bills!!!  I am so very thankful for my friends (old and new) because they had faith when I had none.  They were speaking life, while I was doubtful.  I prayed, got scared, doubted, and asked for forgiveness for doubting Him.  God sent someone to pay for my tuition without me asking.  Literally said, “I will pay for your tuition this semester.”  Of course, I was so thankful!  Tuition paid, check.  Bills paid, empty box.

Patience is one word that describes me and this new job.  There have been so many issues.  Yet, through it all I am not frustrated.  I have been quite calm and patient.  I work really hard with what I have.  I still have a smile on my face.  I should be crying, but I’m joyful.  It’s the craziest feeling.  My bills are getting paid literally by the grace of God.  If you were to look at my bank account and look at my bills for the month, you would probably start praying as well.  It has been like this since August.  God has opened so many doors for me.  I booked and shot a commercial without auditioning.  Another fashion show is Sunday; I received a confirmation email saying I booked that job.  I feel truly blessed with the flood of job opportunities with modeling and working at OU.  The day before my bills are due, I look at my bank account.  I am short, of course.  Then I get a phone call saying, “LaQueta you have a check in would you like to pick it up or mailed to you?”  The amount is always enough to pay that bill.  As I am driving to the bank, I am saying thank you.  God is truly amazing.  God supplies all of your needs.  I want for nothing.  For the first time, I am at peace.

God is so very great!  I’ve made decisions in my life that are questionable.  Seriously, what were you thinking LaQueta???  I wouldn’t make those same decisions, but I’ve learned and grown tremendously.  God has never left my side.  Even though I diverted onto my own path, He still protected me.  I dug myself into a hole until there was nothing but darkness around.  When there was no one else to call on, I called on Him.  He was there instantly.  Accepting the fact that God still loves me, even though I neglected Him, is so difficult for me to fathom.  I’m still learning to forgive myself.  God is working on me and through me.  The Holy Spirit is filling patience, peace, and joy within me.  I love it!

I guess I said all of this to encourage you to push through.  Have faith.  Don't doubt anything about our Father.  He will bless you even when you don't realize it.  Be thankful for what He has given you.  Work hard to be the best authentic you possible.  Allow His light to shine through you so that others can be blessed by His presence they see in you.  As always, Live for Christ, Learn Always & Love Hard! 

My 1 Year Celebration Journey

Do you know what today is???  It’s my 1 year anniversary!!!  My Celebration of Life journey began exactly 1 year ago today!  Nobody on Earth has any idea how thankful I am for this journey.  I’ve grown so very much.

I remember the very first cupcake I posted on my Facebook.  Here is my first post:  “Week 1 of celebration of Queta’s life.  Thank you Lord for protecting me!!!”  Some of you responded to my post.  It seemed to be encouraging.  However, you had no idea that I struggled to even think of something positive to celebrate during my first week.  I don’t know how long I sat staring at my phone before I actually posted.  My one line was simple; yet it was so powerful and prevalent to my situation at the time.  Each week I grew more and more confident, secure, and in love with Christ.  I started to truly feel again.  My feelings became words.  My words allowed me to be extremely honest.  My honesty made me transparent to myself and others.  I saw myself for the first time!  I recognized my flaws; I celebrated my strengths; and along the way, I truly matured in my walk with Christ and I feel way older than 27.  Lol!

My journey has had its share of ups and downs…an emotional rollercoaster.  Life taught me about people!!!  This world is not fair.  The people that live in this world are so different.  We don’t think alike.  We don’t act the same.  We don’t have the same values.  The negative extreme of my rollercoaster came from being hurt by people.  The biggest lesson learned are hurt people hurt others.  Even I was hurting the people I loved.  On the other hand, the positive extreme of my rollercoaster came from people that loved me.  I’ve had more laughs, more adventures, more experiences, and more life lessons than imaginable.  God opened my eyes to the world a.k.a. people.  He removed negative influences from my life; yet, allowed me to walk in the mist of amazingly, positive influences.  If allowed, people can make or break your spirit.  Therefore, you need to rely on God.  Trusting in man is so unpredictable, but total trust in God is smooth sailing.

Another milestone that this journey has given me is my singlehood.  Shout out to the singles!  I seriously can’t believe that I have been single for over a year.  WHAT!!!!!  This has never happened since I started dating.  During this year, I have run into some unique ways of dealing with relationships.  I’ll let you in on my top 3 dating/relationship lessons.  First, both men and women reveal themselves in the first few (no more than 3) real conversations either in person or on the phone.  When we first meet a potential date, we put our best foot forward.  Then, we get comfortable and start running out of stuff to say.  During that comfortableness, we tend to reveal the “pretty” truth.  Pretty truth meaning it’s the truth about us, but we are still not completely honest about our flaws.  Next, men and women have roles in the relationship.  Before you jump all over that statement, God did create man first and the woman was created from his rib as a helpmate.  I repeat…a helpmate.  As helpmates, women are the encouragers that stand behind their men.  Just as the rib supports the lung to continue life, women were created as supporters to sustain life’s needs, i.e. think of any household needs.  Women stand in the background as cheerleaders for their mate’s ambitions, dreams, potential, etc.  Also, women are there to help with those difficult decisions; bringing a different, yet important, perspective to life’s changing events.  On the contrary, I’ve learned that men are more black and white.  Men are leaders.  A good leader makes decisions that are beneficial to the “family” or loved ones as a whole.  Men are providers.  I have seen men carry themselves more confidently based on being able to properly provide.  Maybe even feel more respected.  Men are natural pursuers of women.  They know what they want and will go after it in a respectful manner.  I repeat…they pursue and respect what they want.  Lastly, celibacy is truly beneficial to my self-worth, and finding a true mate.  My celibacy has helped me with my self-worth because I respect myself more.  I hold people to a higher standard with respecting me as well.  Celibacy is not the easiest thing in the world.  It is extremely hard.  Temptation knocks on the door constantly.  However, celibacy does help when it comes to picking a true mate.  I have met 3 different types of men while single:  the player, the desperate, and those that wait.  The key is letting people know that you are celibate from the very beginning.  The player, who is easily detected, will test you maybe one or two times, but after that…it’s over.  No more text messages or phone calls.  The desperate type is a person that wants to jump into a relationship right after the 2^nd date.  I truly think that they want to be in a relationship to get the goods.  Anyway, they will hang in there a little longer than the player.  However, when someone comes along that they believe will give them what they want, they are out!  Now, those that wait are potentially the truest mates.  They know that you are celibate and they respect that.  They have needs as well, but do not pressure.  They want to build friendship because they believe that the person is worth the wait.  Though celibacy is difficult, it is absolutely worth it.

In spite of all that I have learned this year, the very best thing that happened to me is my relationship with God.  I have grown so much close to Him.  When I started this journey, I was so broken and had dug such a deep, deep hole.  Darkness was all around and literally the only place I could look was toward Him.  God is the only one that I looked to, prayed to, and confided in for true healing.  Each week that I did my cupcake, I had to honestly look at myself.  Do you know how hard that is?  Normally, I give myself a break:  “Oh, I’ll work on my patience later; it only really comes up when people frustrate me or while driving.  Other than that I’m pretty patient.”  If I had not been honest with whom I had become, then how could I rely on my Father to truly help me?  I had to want to heal and grow.  Every week, God was allowing me to see ways that I can build my character, wisdom, and faith.  My mom always says that I paid tremendously for my wisdom.  I completely agree.  It is the most expensive gift I have.  I wouldn’t change this for the entire world.  If I had experienced life any differently, I would not have posted a cupcake each week.  Those posts wouldn’t have led to Cupcake Confessions.  Without Cupcake Confessions, I would not know all of you that relate to my experiences, and tell me about yours.  In all, I learn daily.  I am wiser.  I am more confident.  I am way happier.  I am actually living!  I am dreaming.  I am working hard.  I love more.  I have forgiven!  I am truly blessed!!!

Thank you for taking the time to share this journey with me!  Thank you for all of the comments!  Thank you for the compliments, encouragements, personal stories, and love!  As always, LIVE FOR CHRIST, LEARN ALWAYS, & LOVE HARD!!!

Suicide but Still Alive

You never know how much of an impact you make on other’s lives until it is verbalized.  Since I have last written, people have told me that I am an inspiration and/or blessing in their lives.  It means so much more to me now because several months ago, I was making a decision to just end it all.

I am a loyal individual.  Those that truly know me, LaQueta, know that I value my relationships.  All of my relationships.  I love those people unconditionally.  It takes a deep hurt or a lot to cut people out of my life.  Several months ago, all of the relationships that I had formed the past 2 years were forever changed.  It was strange to me because in an instant people stopped talking to me like they normally did.  I would speak on several occasions and not get a response the majority of the time, or when talking we would be interrupted and I would become invisible.  After a while of that treatment, I just stopped making an effort to speak.

While going through this, I went through one of the hardest times of my life…all of 27 years.  I was an extremely trusting person.  I say was because 2013 taught me so much about trust.  I’m still learning about it today.  I don’t know if this is the best trait that I have now, but people have to earn my trust.  It does not come easy anymore.  I digress.  I was greatly hurt by people that I loved tremendously.  I honestly thought that they loved me just as much.  Clearly, I was wrong because they turned on me literally overnight.  I was deceived, lied about, and betrayed.  Let’s recap, I was turned on and talked badly about, ostracized, and it was all by people that I loved and respected; they claimed they loved me too.  Needless to say I was very alone. I had no one. At least I felt that way.

There were three people that were there for me and called me every day or almost every day that I was going through this terrible phase of my life.  A friend of mine called me every day that I was down.  We weren’t nearly as close as those relationships previously stated; however, we are now.  He called me all the time.  He called to know that I was breathing, eating, and okay.  My birth mother, Jackie, called me almost daily.  She wanted to hear how I was feeling, down or better or okay that day.  She encouraged me during that time.  I really appreciate her as well. 

Now, my mother, Ozye, called me several times a day every day.  I was so tired of her calling because I was just too drained.  She would talk to me for hours.  Majority of the time I would listen and cry hoping that she didn’t hear me.  One day I cried out “I’m DONE!  Devil you steal, kill, destroy, and YOU WIN!  I give up!”  I decided to kill myself and just be done.  In my eyes, I had ruined every relationship.  In actuality, I had only ruined the relationship with my family.  The other relationships ruined were influenced.  I understand that now because two people have apologized and asked for forgiveness.  They did admit to ostracizing me because of an influence that they weren’t strong enough to oppose at that time.  I thought of how I was going to end my life; it was happening that day.  I wasn’t going to wait for a special day, say goodbye, or write a note.  Who would miss me?  I felt so guilty about how I treated my family.  My mother told me that I needed to be careful with my “friends”, yet I trusted them anyway.  Got burned.  I turned my back completely away from God.  I didn’t need to be here.  Then my mother calls.  She basically talked about what I meant to her.  I didn’t say anything the whole conversation.  Before we hung up, she said, “I know what you plan on doing LaQueta.  But I want you to know that I love you so much and if you do that I don’t know how I will make it.  Please don’t kill yourself.  It will get better I promise.”  She isn’t a crier but she sounded like she was on the verge of tears.  I broke completely.  I had treated her like no one should ever treat their mother, yet she was fighting for my life.  I hadn’t completely ruined it.  She made me promise.  I hesitated…but promised her. 

From that moment, life has meant so much more to me.  I have three solid friendships, outside of my family that would not have been if I had followed through.  I don’t say it often but I gain lots of knowledge and insight from those friendships.  I cherish them dearly.  Words cannot express my gratitude when people facebook message me, text me, or call me saying that I inspire them and bless them.  Ending your life should never be an option.  I thought that I was alone and had no one.  If anyone ever feels that way, know that you are not alone.  You are loved!  You are precious!  You are beautiful!  Most importantly, you are a child of God.  He loves His children so very much!

Faithfully Yours

It seems like I haven’t blogged in a while.  Well...a lot has been going on.  Here’s an update:

At the end of February, my right eye drooped halfway.  It happened all of a sudden.  I couldn’t control it!  The right side of face began to tingle.  Of course when something tragic or scary happens, I know who to call on.  “MOM!!!  You need to go home right now something is wrong with my eye!  I will meet you there.  Hurry!”  I make it to the house.  But guess who isn’t there yet…RIGHT.  I was on my way to the hospital when she finally walked through the door.  “What is wrong with my baby?”  Then I get the most horrific reaction from her, “Oh! Yeah your eye is messed up.  Wait, what is that?”  I’m freaking out on the inside.  “It’s nothing.  I thought that your mouth was twisting also.”  I didn’t know what to do.  But mother knows best.  She laid hands on me and powerfully prayed out loud.  She sent me on my way to my original destination of having a fun night out.  I left.  My eye and face went back to normal.  The fun paid off!

One week later, March 6^th, my face felt funny again.  I got to work and my eye was drooping yet again.  Enough was enough!  I made an appointment with my primary doctor.  He was able to see me, but of course there was nothing wrong with my eye at that very moment.  The doctor asked if anything else was going on.  I said, “You know how your eye twitches, well, I twitch like that all over my body.  Not at the same time, but at different times.  It comes and goes but can last for a week or more.”  His face turns to that concerned look.  “Does it wake you up at night?”  I told him that it did and it had been for the last week (at that time).  We conversed a little more.  I tried to break the tension in the room with my goofiness; however, I was truly scared of his next words.  He referred me to two different doctors, a neurologist and an eye doctor.  His major concern was that I could possibly have Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  “DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!!!!”  At least that’s what my mind said.

Terrified didn’t come close to describing my feelings.  The little information that I did know about MS meant that this wasn’t good for me.  Fear rose all over my body.  I feared the disease.  I feared not being about to walk or move.  I feared everything.  I called my concerned mother.  She quoted bible verses and rebuked the doctor’s words.  She had a lot more faith than I did.  That night, I talked to my Daddy (Heavenly Father for those that don’t know what I call Him).  I cried out and let him know every single fear that needed leave in order to conquer whatever was ahead.  I woke up the next morning saying, “Lord I have faith in YOU.  The devil is a liar.  My body is in your hands.” 

My mom has been with me through every test of this long journey.  Through the whole process we prayed, praised God, thanked Him in advance, and called on prayer warriors.  I finally get the phone call about my results.  At first, I was nervous, but then I remembered my prayers.  What was there to worry about?  We went to the doctor.  My tests were negative!  I have signs of MS, but I sure don’t have it!  The doctor said they don’t know what is wrong so I needed more tests, but other than taking these last few tests it looks like I’m in great health.  My mother and I were so excited!  God healed and left the “experts” dumbfounded.

The enemy has been on me for years.  In my past, I fell for every trick that was brought my way.  However, for the last 9 months, I continually strive to live a life that makes me feel happy and spiritually directed.  Lately, the enemy has tried to mess up my environment, my mind, and now my body. Fortunately, this experience helped me exude more vulnerability and faith. 

I am not the type to ask for much of anything.  If something is wrong with me, I tell a few people, but normally keep things to myself.  Letting others know that I needed their prayers in agreement with mine was very difficult for me.  It left me completely vulnerable.  I learned a significant lesson.  The lesson is that in order to get true help from real friends, I have to be completely raw with them about my feelings/thoughts concerning myself.  I’m a pretty honest person, so honesty is not an issue.  My rawness is hidden when people ask how I am doing.  My answer is always positive:  I’m great, fantastic, wonderful, good, fabulous, and more.  This experience has taught me that it’s actually okay to say exactly how I’m truly feeling, whether that is scared, nervous, doubtful, or fearful.  I am being completely honest with myself when I do that.  I become more vulnerable to myself with my own feelings; instead of trying to make myself believe that I’m superwoman and nothing can get to me.

My faith was challenged, yet has tremendously increased.  The enemy tried to tamper with my mind.  Doubt and fear are natural; however, when I put it in my Savior’s hands I shouldn’t look back.  My faith had to supersede my mind.  My thoughts did wonder, but I constantly reminded myself of scriptures that proved my God is greater.  I spoke life and walked expecting the best outcome for this temporary situation.  I’ve often heard of and seen God’s miracles. However, when you experience His love and grace so boldly in your face, the feeling is overwhelming (in a good way).  For example, being a child of God means something totally different to me now.  Parents should instinctively want to protect their child by taking away pain, suffering, fears, unhappiness, or whatever.  Children have faith that parents will protect them from harm.  For me to have true faith in my Father and for Him to instantly protect me without a thought, chokes me up every time I think about it.  It’s such a blessing to be a child of God.  If you know what I’m talking about, then I’m sure you get choked up as well.  Those of you that don’t know but want to know of God’s love and grace don’t hesitate to ask.  I’m more than happy to share.

In case I haven’t told you enough, thank you so much to all of my prayer warriors.  I love you all!