New Beginnings

2012-02-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

How do you define a "new beginning"? Fresh start, clean slate, square one, tomorrow? Anything can be a new beginning everyday. This is my new beginning among many..

I don't know of a theme or teaching that I can write about here. I do know that I want a place where I can come to and be truthful with myself and reflect on my tomorrows. The last 365 have brought me many blessings, love, and happiness. All of these have brought with them changes that effected every facet of my life. And you know what I said?

Bring it on! Don't you know? I can conquer the world in a day! (or so I'm told I like to think so..)

New job, newly married, new house, new town, new responsibilites...

And then... I c r a c k e d. All of a sudden, life wasn't fun anymore. All I wanted was to be ten again; playing on the swings (my favorite), and having not a care in the world other than if someone ate the last cupcake (also my favorite) before I got home from school.

I felt as thought my world (remember that one that I had supposedly conquered) had fallen around me. Everyday for a good month I woke up in a fog, going through the motions of the day but feeling completely lost. I was so out of touch with everything, of who I was, at a time in my life that I should have been embracing everyday. I cried.....A LOT!

The worst part? I didn't tell anybody! I cried in the shower, on the way to and from work during my now hour long commute, sometimes to sleep. I was so afraid that I would be seen as weak, or that something was wrong with me. I was afraid if I told my husband he would think it was him and that I wasn't happy, and that was absolutely not true. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I finally told my husband how I had been feeling. His reaction was the complete opposite of the one I had feared. He was filled with comfort and love, and saddness that he had not addressed my funk sooner because all he cared about, and all he ever cares about, is my happiness.

And in that moment, I felt the fog around me begin to lift, and all of the pieces of my life beginning to fit back together. At the same time I felt like a fool. A fool for trying to deny that I hadn't experienced change. A fool for crying over things I had been blessed with. More than anything, a fool for not being honest with myself. And at the same time, I felt relieved, not only that I found my life again, but that I had found it with the person that was meant to have my heart forever.

Looking back, I feel like that time I spent hiding in saddness and fear, was time I had wasted. I should have been embracing those days, but I just let them go. I never want to just let them go again.

And in new beginings, my promise to myself is to live the journey of my life everyday.

Cupcake Confessions

New Beginnings